To everyone that took the time to let me know that you are keeping me in your thoughts, wow, I do appreciate it.
Last year was a rough one for me and I thought about sharing my story so many times but I felt like I wasn't ready to be optimistic about it and so I waited.
In the last few weeks someone has come into my life that is a great mentor to me and who keeps me going on days when I feel like I can't get out of bed...... because when you are on the verge of divorce you feel like sleep is the only escape to the madness.
Anyway, I have the courage to tell my story because of that person so here it goes.
It took a lot for us to get here but most of it happened so fast that I missed half of the steps.
I remembered when Devin got his orders to recruit for the Marine Corp 3 yrs ago. I was bittersweet, after all we lived in Sunny California next to the beach and everything was perfect IMO.
I found out that he got orders to PA and I thought, well at least we would be able to go to NY to see my family whenever we wanted, it was only a drive away.
Moving was hard, but I got a job, we settled in and everything was kinda back to normal, but his long hours at the job, sometimes 14-15 hour days started to take a toll on us.
I got into sewing, did the podcast, lots of shopping...... lots of shopping. In fact I did everything I could do to cope with the fact that he worked all the time.
When he was home, he slept, I sewed and then eventually my hobbies became my comfort zone to the point where he will be watching a movie in one room and I would be sewing in the other.
But still we were okay, because it takes more than a hobby to ruin a marriage.
But addictions do!
I remember the first time I realized that my dh was addicted to Internet Porn. I was mortified. I saw his email opened and noticed what was going on and I fell on the floor and cried and cried.
When I confronted him about it, he said he would stop and to my knowledge, he did.
I couldn't and didn't want to become one of those women that check their husband phones, every day, listening to voicemails but one day I saw this strange number in the caller ID when I was innocently looking for my friend's home number.
I confronted him about it and he said he did call one of his internet buddies and they talked instead of IM.
Then I cried and cried and cried.
I told him I couldn't take it anymore and if he didn't change that would be the end of US.
When I got diagnosed with Cancer.
He went to all my appointments, but he would stay out all night and say it was due to work.
I was grieving so much for my sickness that I just didn't have the energy to argue about it.
After my surgery, he would leave me at home all by myself at night and that is when it really bothered me, I was so sick and in pain I needed someone to be there for me and he wasn't there, he would chose to go.
In November I found out that he tested positive for Marijuana in his urine test and was getting separated from the Marine corp. This information was relieved to me after he didn't come home for about 3 days.
I cried and cried and cried.
I found out that he developed a gambling addiction and drained out our entire savings account while I was recuperating from surgery.
Could you imagine what it would be like to have tons of medical bills coming, no savings and only one source of income in your household?
I cried, the tears just came and came.
I never told me he was getting separated I had to find out from his sergeant major when I was trying to track him down when he didn't come home.
But he did come home....
and I told him,, things happen, life happens, lets try to work things out, you can get another job there is life after the Marine Corp.
The final straw was when I had my radiation therapy. I told him that he needs to be home just in case something happened to rush me to the hospital because the dose was high.
I had the money for the rent in my purse from getting paid that day.
When I fell asleep, he took the money for the rent and went to Atlantic City and gambled it.
When I got up in the middle of night he was gone.
My dad has to rush to PA from NY the next morning to pay the rent and take me to NY because I was so sick, I couldn't eat, I just cried and slept.
It was the worst day of my life.
Because I realized that my hubby didn't love me, he loved his vices more than he loved me and he left me and I could have been dead and he wouldn't have known or cared.
I still tried to call him, all weekend, he never picked up the phone.
His Stepfather came from AR to try to get him to go home with him so he could get some help.
He finally came home a week later and went back to Arkansas and that is when I said we were separated but then he got even more bitter.
He accused me of "putting him out" and said "he didn't see me as he once did".
And what did I do....
I cried,,, and cried,,,, and cried
I was hoping that he would change, he would see that everything he did was wrong and want to be better and we could work things out.
But he didn't
He won't take my calls, he drove back to Philadelphia with his cousin and he didn't come to see me and doesn't want to help me financially with anything.
and then he finally told me he wants a divorce.
For months I cried and everyday I had to rebuild my self esteem, pray and talk myself into loving myself for myself.
I remembered the night I cried so much my whole pillow case was wet. I asked God to send me someone who can love me right now to help me get through the pain. I asked him to help me find a way to make some extra money to help me pay these medical bills....
and I cried some more...
and then one of my old friend contacted me and have helped me stay positive over the last week and as I said,, gave me the motivation to tell my story.
Because honestly, I knew things were getting bad but I was hoping for the best.
I know have to find the strength to rebuild my life on my own
