Life happens Be Positive

I have an iron, do you?

Let me start off by saying that Ciara is a gorgeous girl and I like how she is doing the softer style blazers this spring summer paired up with Jean as seen in my previous post.

 

What I’m trying to figure out (seeing that I’ve been sleeping under the fashion bus lately) when did it become cool to wear wrinkle blazers/jackets?

 

 

Is this one of those spin offs from the distressed jeans era where we pay extra money to look messy…. You know, like when you put the jacket under the mattress because the iron stopped working the night before?

 

Never heard about that one huh?

 

But really, you get my point.

 

In the sewing community, ironing is paramount if needed and honey, this need a whole lot of pressing love. Hence why most of us stay away from unblended linens.

 

She still looks adorable though, I guess when you are Ciara you can pull anything off.

 

What do you think?

 

As for sewing… the project the hand

 

 

I settled down last night to mark the pleats for the sleeves with tread.

 

Lets say I got bored really, really, really fast.

 

I never suspected it had so many pleats for those sleeves and it’s a little daunting.

 

I cut out a size 12 out off an orange rayon juice that I got from metro textiles last summer and I’m hoping that it fits because I am not in muslin mode.

 

Hopefully I will have some progress photos on Sunday because that is always fun. At least the sleeves because I’m sure you are dying to see how all those pleats are going to look especially on jersey.

 

Believe me, I am kicking myself for choosing this as my welcome back project. You would think I would sew a wrap top or something,,, no, look for the most time consuming knit project you can find in your pattern stash… Ugh

 

Happy weekend.

 

A ruffle trench for a rainy day

What I love about this trench is that its a clash between casual (khaki color) and elegant (style & design).

 

I’m thinking that Miss B must have squealed when her stylist pulled this number out

 

I would!

 

In other news, I cut out Butterick 5318 last night and I’m going to start working on it tonight. I’ve been suffering through a little insomnia lately so I better use this to the full advantage… No?

what type of hooks are these?

 

does anyone know?

Good Reads and listening

These are a few of the books I read over the last 5 mouths that helped me cope with my current situation. I hope if needed it can do the same for you.

Eat, Pray, Love - I listened to this audio book continueous at works for months.

Happy for No Reason- a book about just being happy don't matter what life throws at you.

The Secret- I use the gratitude section every day, it has helped me stay grateful through all the dissappoints and pain.

The Soulmate Secret- this was a fun read, especially making a list of all the attributes you would love your soulmate to possess, there is a little bit of fung shui and dealing with losing lost loves in there too.

The Power of Now- This book is seriously deep, if you are not willing to spend time the time to understand and apply these principles to your own life, don't even bother. Its not a one size fits off, it requires a lot of soul searching.

Write it down, make it happen- probably one of the best books out there to get your goals on paper.

Harmonic Wealth- A well rounded book for anyone that want to emprove every part of your life from spiritual to financial to fitness. Awesome!

And my personal Gem, the one thing I will love to introduce to anyone that enjoy listening to empowering talk show.

HayHouseRadio- 24 hours of inspiration and enlightenment.

Enjoy

Resurrecting my soul

So, what happened next?

I would love to say that B and I ran out of the gym and into the sunset and all is well and perfect now but not so much.

You see, there are these twin demons called anxiety and depression that moved in during those first months of Devin’s Exit, who were basically putting up curtains and picking paint colors by the time B came into my life.

These bitches are Bad, I really don’t even know how to convey this in a more PC way.

You see, my home was congested with memories of my marriage so they had a lot to work with. I would lie down on my bed and beg them to leave me alone as they stabbed me with constant reminders of “him”.

 They were having so much fun at night I could swear I heard his truck coming down the parking lot. His truck has a hemi engine so the sound was very distinctive.

 I would jump up at night and run to the window looking out like I thought the cops were coming I had a kilo of “snow” under my bed.

 I would hear the neighbors’ opening there doors and have panic attacks like he was trying to come in my apartment at night.

Realistically, Devin never led a hand on me, ever.

But that is proof of how good these demons are, the lies they tell will make you hate your momma.

So may talks with B become more frequent and longer as the days went by and soon he would come over for impromptu therapy sessions.

Poor guy.

That was the only time I felt some ease, my apartment was like a prison and he was my only visitor back then.

Another milestone for me happened during this time also.

He was about to go and I felt the sudden grip of Anxiety. I started to cry and felt so freakin sad and I couldn’t even stop the tears from running down of my eyes. He got really concerned, a little scared of my reaction and somehow we got into an argument.

Let me tell you,,, I was really starting to think that I should get on some prescription medication or something. I didn’t know what the hell was wrong with me.

I said, ‘I hate when you leave, I feel so alone”

What I wanted to say was more like,“As soon as you close the door they are going to torture me and tonight I just don’t have the strength.”

Could you imagine how fast he would have ran if he heard me say that?

He looked at me as if he really couldn’t understand and shoke his head.

“I’m not leaving you and you are NOT Alone”

He went on to explain and remind me that everyone in my life, my family, my friends, coworkers, whoever are with me always.

Devin is not with me physically right now but his memory is what is hurting me, not “him”.

You are never alone,  you just have to choose who you want to spend your time with at any point in time.

Chose your mom and think of something she did to make you happy. Think of one of your high school friends and all the good stuff you guys used to do. Choose a memory and allow that person to keep your company when you start feeling alone.

I don’t care if you have to summon an angel, there is someone that is always available to keep your company, divine or not….. because its all within you.

You are the person that gives US meaning in your life. The memories you attach to us is what you miss.

And you know what, its true.

Its always hard at first but soon, I started going through the albums and the scrapbooks and smiling and laughing coming back to myself.

We talked less about Devin and more about how I grew up in the Caribbean. His time in Europe and what the military meant for both of us, him being an Army Brat and my service in the Marine corp.

When Devin still didn’t make an attempt to communicate with me. I didn’t cuddle up in the fetal position. I just logged off and checked out some new blog entries, I said my affirmations and wrote in my journal. Thing were looking up finally.

And what happened to those stuck up bitches?

Well,  they still drop by unannounced, but they don’t stay for long and the visits are getting less frequent. I’m sure they have lots of work with the economic crisis going on at present. It is what it is right?

To be continued.

 

 

 

 

Chicken soup for the heart-breaken soul

Despite of what I felt I couldn’t bring myself to say “I hate him” but I needed something to identify what I felt at the time so I would say to myself “I DON’T LIKE HIM or I DON’T CARE FOR HIM VERY MUCH”.

 

When he left…. He LEFT.

 

He didn’t want to talk or listen to me at all, therefore he never told me what truly happened, what causes his downward spiral that destroyed our relationship and ruined his career.

 

Even worse, he never apologized for all the grief he caused me……. And that was where most of my resentment toward him came from.

 

If ever I wanted to MAKE someone do something, it was then. I am not a control freak but I felt like I deserved this much, a simple apology.

 

I needed to get my focus on something else fast because this rage and disappointment was wearing me down.

 

I turned to working out and affirmations immediately. It seems like the most rational thing to do and it worked.

 

For almost two months I made the daily pilgrimage to the gym before I meet B.

 

Our first encounter doesn’t matter. It was brief, friendly and cordial.

 

The second time is when I saw first hand how God works in mysterious ways.

 

It was a week from the first day we met, Sunday morning. When I got there, I immediately hopped on the treadmill after I said a quick hello and started to work out.

 

B initiated the conversation by asking me what was I listening too. At the time I was engulfed in a lot of self help books so I answered, “Harmonic Wealth”. He looked surprised and asked me what it was about. He told me he thought it was a Beyonce CD or something like that.

 

The conversation continued as I walked and he moved around the weight machine until somehow it got around to me telling him that “I’m married, separated and now he wants a divorce”.

 

Saying those words hit me like a ton of bricks. It really really hurt. This was the first time I’ve told someone other than friends, family and blogland that “he wants a divorce”.

 

That fact made me feel like I was the one at fault. If he wanted the divorce, then I must have done something he didn’t want to live with anymore.

 

I got off the treadmill and sat down to absorb the shock. I’ve never took the time to realized how he managed to rob me of my dignity in this situation, even in the end he was still going to screw me over with this simple fact that .. “He wants a divorce”.

 

In the meantime, B was not sitting there waiting patiently while I pulled myself together.

 

I was wondering whether or not I was going to share the full story. Did I need to prove that I wasn’t some kind of WITCH or I was such a good wife to a man who wanted to be free of me?

 

Of course I just had too.

 

I felt vulnerable in front of this person more so because he is a MAN and maybe he has already come up with horror stories of me cheating on my husband, while he worked 14 hours a day, slaving to give me the perfect life.

 

I talked and B listened attentively and quietly with the occasional interjection of “okay”, “I see” and “umm hmm” until I was finished.

 

Silence followed and then IT HAPPENED.

 

It went something, not exactly, like this “ I’m so sorry, for everything I put you through, it’s not you its me.”

 

WHAT?

 

OKAY…

 

Okay, very weird, somehow I have managed to loss what is left of my sanity. I am visualizing that this man in front of me is apologizing as if he was Devin.

 

Skeptically I stared at him as he continued the apology, softly, slowly and sincerely.

 

I started to heave and tears started to run down my face as I realized that he was giving me what I needed, the apology that Devin didn’t have the courage to do, which haunted me through those sleepless nights.

 

How did he know, what made him do this, why was he doing this?

 

I was shaking and rocking back and forward and trying to keep myself from falling apart. After a while it seemed like he wasn’t even there in the same room with me, my mind had left the building.

 

This must be God’s work.

 

He told me that he had been though enough bad relationships to know that all you need sometime is just a reason why and a sincerely apology to help you get over your pain. He said in time, I would be okay, its normal, its cool just take it very slow.

 

He felt that I needed a hug, to be held in this moment but it was not appropriate. I needed to take these words for now and let it clean up some of the angst and crumbs left behind.

 

To be continued

 

Excepting what I’m given, that’s all

SHE SAID, “I’m way to mentally drained to over analyze what God has given me in this new form of love so I accept it as it is not what I want it to be….”

There is this phase you go through in a BAD BREAKUP when you promise yourself that you will learn to love yourself enough so you won’t need someone else in your life for a while,,, or ever.

You will go out with friends, go on great vacations, and try out new things, all that self discovery stuff you try to do until you meet someone that steals your attention. Yes, I meant to say STEAL because we all know I’m not actually looking for someone right now during my “healing process”.

Yea, umm hmm, sure, sure… believe me I know.

Just for the record “B” is not the rebound guy.

I think I had a few of those. Past loves that somehow got the message and gave me that confidence and assurance that I was once desirable and even though I feel like damaged goods right now, I can be recycled to my former self.

They served their part and went out as flawlessly as they came in.

This is my blessing and my curse.

Unlike myself, my lovers have always seemed to know just the right time to come in and out our relationship without any effort on my part.

In the book, Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert talks about the only way to GET OVER ONE LOVE IS TO DISTRACT YOURSELF WITH ANOTHER.

It doesn’t have to be a Man or Woman, it can be a hobby, maybe SEWING or some type of meditation, charity work, or martinis, but that was not my calling.

My way is not the most orthodox way of “taking back your life” but let me tell you….

It’s a sweet way to get the job done.

So where do I start.

I used to cry myself to sleep and I think in those trances of sorrow and loss I whispered to God what I needed to comfort me and somehow he threw me a bone.

Take it from me, GRAVELLING, BEGGING AND PROSTRATING YOURSELF IN TOTAL SURRENDER TO GOD WORKS EFFECTIVELY IF YOU ARE A SPIRITUAL PERSON.

I prayed fervently and repeatedly like when a stupid song gets stuck in your head, these words.

 

“God, please send me someone to HOLD ME, I want to feel physically all the hugs so many have sent me over the past months. Just one sincere WARM HUG and maybe a few kisses on my face. Caring ones, but passionate would be nice also.”

“But I don’t really care either way, just please, please, please give me this.”

I read somewhere that you should be specific as possible in your prayers to prevent the “be careful what you wish for” rule.

But I also believe in God knowing what your true desires are in your heart so he fills in the gaps as needed.

If I only know how he was about to move things into place for me…..

To be continued.

I stayed because he paid the rent

Somebody is Praying for me out there.

 

The past few months have been real “dicey”. When I wasn’t wishing for money to somehow fall out of the sky and bless me, I was paying bills with the money that never seemed to be enough.

 

This is why my “blogging” is non existent. I can’t sew a damn thing with all the stress that is constantly coming through the mail…. Believe me I’ve tried. They start off great but never get published.

 

It feels so false writing faux enthusiastic blog post about fashion and sewing when all I want to do it sleep and read new ways to cope and empower my wounded soul.

 

Maybe some “Real Talk” will work better….

 

Just recently, I was in a deep heart to heart talk with a friend and she was going on and on about how her way of life was about to change drastically because she was going to have to take care of everything by herself… seeing that she had just kicked her man to the curb.

 

As she was “Giving me the business” i.e. Listing all bills required to enrich the standard of her present life, my mind wondered off back to a time when I was contemplating getting out my own relationship. I realized that she was so enveloped in the details of her financial situation sans “him” that it was very apparent the reason why she stayed in the relationship after all.

 

That stuff felt really heavy… somehow that feeling felt way to familiar.

 

You would think as much times as I watched “Waiting to exhale” or read books like “The preacher’s Passion” I would know what it took to identify, leave and prevail out of a mediocre relationship. But, when the truth came down to it, I really couldn’t afford to leave because I didn’t want to struggle, I loved my way of life and I couldn’t imagine nothing but what I had then to what could be worse.

 

The funny thing is that I prayed a lot on my situation but I could never built up the courage to take action, not even a separation until it was out of my hands. I think God, in some type of “miracle of 34^th street meets twilight zone” way delivered me kicking and screaming and forced me to deal with the “quality of my life” and not so much the “way of life I had”.

 

Before Mom left she said,

“you know he did you are favor, you just can’t see it because your life seems hard right now. You need to take the love you gave to him and give it to yourself because you are the one that deserves it. God don’t give us anything we can’t bear, so stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

 

Well,,, I hear you Jesus!